Taking A Time Out

Time outs are normally a bad thing; a punishment for a child who has done something wrong. Well, I have put myself in a time out on my own. A lot has happened in the last two months. I met a boy and fell in love with him before I even saw him for the first time in really four years. We spent the day together two weeks ago; it was perfect- an amazing few hours spent together. It was also that trip that changed everything. I realized that I could not deal with his ex. He became distant, I fell like my heart was breaking. He was not emotionally ready for a new relationship, and even though he never officially asked me, we both felt like we were dating. Holding hands, walking with our arms around each other, cuddling on the metro, kissing each other's foreheads and cheeks in public. Things seemed perfect, and if I could just repeat that day over and over again I would in a heartbeat. Then things got bad, right before I left. His ex texted him, he felt guilty, and he pulled away. I told him he had to choose. In the last two weeks, it has seemed that he has chosen her, and that hurts. Oh yeah, we can still be friends... Those are the easiest words to say, the hardest words to do. I love this guy. Yeah I LOVE him. Do you know how hard it is for me not to express that to him, especially since the last two months that's all we've been doing? We went from the loving extreme to the really distant extreme. It is too much of a change for me to handle.

Tonight my coworker pushed me to take a crucial step. I can no longer talk to him and feel like I'm competing with her- the girl I know he loves. She made me realize that I am changing. Constantly looking at my phone, knowing that he is ignoring me and possibly talking to her. I have become a jealous, angry, selfish fool, and that is not at all who I am or who I want to be. She encouraged me to take a few days and really focus on my relationship with Christ. Days spent with just Him in my head and not Jake. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Yes, I still want to talk to him. I still consider him my very best friend. I just need some time to process things, and when I talk to him, I find myself saying dumb things. Things that I know I will regret. Things I do regret. I've talked to him for 59+ days straight. That's a lot. Maybe too many. I don't even talk to my other friends that much, and yet I am still ok if we don't talk everyday. Then why is Jacob different? Maybe its because he's in Minnesota, alone, struggling with what to do. Maybe its because I don't want to lose him. Maybe its because I want him to choose me instead of her. Either way, I realized that I am more important in the long-run, and if I'm going to be a true friend to him, I need to have the right motives. I need to be a Johnathon to him; I need to be a true friend, and if I'm lying to myself or have selfish motives right now, I need to reevaluate myself, and get myself on the right track. Time out Rachel. It's not a bad thing. It's gonna be hard, but in the words of your best friend Jake, "You got this!"